To clarify, scans for disease neither involve actual snacks nor do they qualify as what Gen Z would call snacks.

I have had 4 scans for Greg & Co. in the last 4 weeks. In this post, I will be listing them from best to worst in listicle form. Everything described below is opinion. No facts.

• #1- The best scan is the CT scan. This was the first scan I had. The one where the tech was a handsome man named Greg to whom I delivered a heinous monologue about the connection between his name and my tumor.
  • For this scan, I had an IV which is always a pain, but Greg the CT tech, not Greg the tumor, made it easy peasy.
  • You lay on your back and the tube is not long, so you don’t feel enclosed. The scan is quick and not terribly noisy.
  • The worst part is when they inject the contrast into your IV and you instantly feel like you have peed your pants.
  • This scan gets 9/10 stars.
• #2- The second best scan was the Bone Scan.
  • The bone scan was a long scan, but I didn’t have to stay at the facility the whole time while the radioactivity marinated, and the scan itself was pleasant.
  • This is the scan where I left after being injected with radioactivity and shopped at Nordstrom.
  • The gentleman who was my scan shaman was lovely and very calming. He turned on classical music for me when I was on the table and made sure I knew how long each session of pictures would take.
  • You are on your back for a bone scan and there is very little noise. 1 point taken away for having to be wrapped like a burrito in a velcro scan-y straight jacket.
  • For parts of the scan, you can see your body in skeleton form on a screen somewhat within view. The machine moves slowly and smoothly.
  • I give this scan an 7/10. It loses a point for length of time, from start to finish being 1.5 hours.

• #3- The third best, or second worst, scan was the PET.
  • I bet you are shocked that this is not the worst scan considering it is the one that tells you if your disease has progressed outside of its point of origin, but what it loses in fear factor, it makes up for in general comfort.
  • Points taken for not being able to eat before the scan.
  • Again, radioactive IV. This time I was not allowed to leave the facility or even the Radiography suite. This made me nervous, but I played Candy Crush like the loser I am and time passed.
  • The scan itself was actually lovely. On your back with a bolster under your knees like you are at a spa.
  • Was given a warm blanket.
  • Can’t remember if it was loud so must not have been too bad.
  • Scan was probably 30 minutes.
  • I felt a great deal of anxiety knowing the pictures being taken were to tell of my fate, so major points taken for this.
  • 5/10

• IN LAST PLACE- Breast MRI
  • This scan is simply heinous from soup to nuts.
  • First of all, I opened the locker to put my clothes and purse away to see the card below (I CANNOT figure out how to insert images into a list. WORDPRESS- WHY???)
  • Next, I am told I have to take out my nose piercing. I do not know how to do this, but am told if I don’t the powerful magnet machine could grab hold of my nose stud and pull my face into an alternate reality. I basically rip it out of my nose.
  • Again, an IV needs to be placed.
  • This scan is done face down with your breasts hanging out of two holes in the machine bed. Your face goes in one of those massage bed circles, but it is not as cushy or even remotely comfortable.
  • You have to have your arms up over your head which is uncomfortable, seeing as though I had breast surgery last week
  • MRIs are loud as fuck. It sounds like your toddler has been put in charge of the music board at an EDM concert. Once you are face down with your breasts dangling in the wind, someone jams ear plugs in your ear holes, then places huge headphones on your head.
  • I had to wear my mask, even though I was alone in a room with a death metal magnet portal. Once the tech had left the room, I realized that my face was smashed into my mask causing my nose to go full Miss Piggy. It was too late to move so I had to stay like this for the whole scan.
  • 30 minutes of uncomfortable hell. In the last 10 minutes a robot injects your IV with the same stuff from the CT scan that makes you feel like you are peeing yourself. Except this time, being face down and disoriented it also makes you feel nauseous as hell.
  • This scan gets a 0/10.

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Well, there you have it. This post is destined to be a Buzzfeed article with no author acknowledgement within a matter of days, so you saw it here first.