My Gregtopus Teacher

This title is a very deep cut. In order to understand it, you need to be aware of the 2020 BAFTA and Academy Award winning documentary, My Octopus Teacher, which is about a man who befriends a deep-sea octopus and of course, my tumor Cousin Greg. The title’s true meaning will become crystal clear a…

Fiesta Non Grata

Right now my sister and I were supposed to be on a plane headed to Cancun. I had booked us first class as a special treat (Jennie will be finding this out as she edits this post). We were going to celebrate her schmiftieth birthday. we were set to stay at this super bougie vegan…

Good at This

T minus 18 hours until Greg is sent to tumor heaven. I have been in quarantine in my bedroom for about 60 hours since my pre-op Covid test (which is negative!). Here is a short rundown of what I have been doing, with corresponding embarrassment levels 1-10; 1 being not embarrassing at all and 10…

The Gregercoaster

Setting the scene: ~You find out you have a Greg in your chest on December 22nd, but knew on the 16th that there was a strong possibility of cancer. Your breasts were last checked as clean on August 22 so Greg has appeared and/or grown big enough to be detected in 4 months. You do…

Twenty Twenty Two-mer

I have lost the ability to see things in terms of years. When you are cancery, or perhaps when you are walking through any difficult patch of life, time is not measured in long swaths. It is measured in, ‘bitch, am I going to make it through the next hour?!’ 2016 taught me many things,…

Greg

The flurry of tests, scans & appointments is in full swing. A few days ago my sister took me to the hospital for a CT scan from my pubic bone to my neck to look for distant metastases. This involved getting there 2 hours early to pick up ‘the drink.’ Over the course of the…

AGAIN

Christmas, 2021. At the age of 41, I was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time (pause for hysterical laughter–she’s kidding right?) Two weeks ago, I saw my oncologist for a regular appointment. She did an exam, as she always does. She found a lump on my cancerous side. I had an ultrasound the…

Tick, Tick, Tick

Chapter One A handful of hours after our wedding, my husband got sick, like super-sick. As I was still a 27 year old bozo, I immediately called my mom. She was also sick. The calls kept coming in; many, many people were sick. By lunchtime, 5 of our friends and family, including my new husband,…

5 Years

5 years ago today I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. It seems both a billion years ago and like yesterday. As time has passed some of the details have started to fade. I can’t remember the names of certain tests or drugs, the post-op rules or even the names of important players….

Our Renaissance

In July there was an article in The New Yorker by Lawrence Wright about the new phenomenon of art and culture in Renaissance Italy. It arose from the ashes of the horrific ‘Black Death’ plague in the Middle Ages. Let me reiterate that– we needed THE PLAGUE to grow the artistic bounty of our pals…

Quarantine Tips From a Cancer Survivor

Quarantine. It is the hottest topic of 2020. It is so now. It is creating so much buzz. Everyone is doing it. (fire emoji, fire emoji). Not all trends are good ones. Remember Hammer pants and over-plucked eyebrows? Quarantine is most certainly one of the worst trends I can think of in recent history. Maybe only feathered…

North Korea, South China Sea, Breast Cancer

What would you think, if you recently had chemotherapy as a breast cancer treatment and you woke up to these headlines? Allow me to tell you what I thought. FUUUUCCCKKKKKK. I mean, yeah science!, but also, (mad face). Upon reading the many articles and trying to digest the evidence-based conclusions, I felt some unexpected reactions….