Though it may not seem like it, due to my ‘openness’ in this blog, there are a few topics that I have wanted to write about, but haven’t felt entirely comfortable doing.

Bad (or good?) news for you, I am not going to write about them today either.

These topics all center around the female nether regions. The uterus, ovaries, vagina, if you will. (ohhhh myyy gooooddd, she just said VAGINA!).

As a doula, I can talk vagina all day everyday. It is just a regular ol’ piece of the anatomy. In our home, we don’t call it a hoo-ha or nub-nub, we call it a vagina. No beating around the bush. It is a body part, just like an elbow.

But when it comes to this blog, I can’t seem to bring myself to write all of things that I want to about this area, mostly because I know my father-in-law reads it (please stop reading, Joe, I beg of you). If you want me to write about vaginas and sex and menstruation, all topics I would like to discuss, someone is going to need to get me a book deal, ’cause mama ain’t giving this awkward information up without a payday.

I do feel like I would be doing my readers an injustice if I didn’t at least mention that this lower arena is a major player in the treatment and recovery from breast cancer. Just because it went unscathed in surgery does not mean it didn’t suffer collateral damage.

My hormones have been intrinsically changed. This messes with estrogen production, as it relates to menstruation, as well as PH levels and the general climate down there. Things are not the same. And, lest we forget, all breast sensation is gone, so if that was a player in your sexual conquests, it is now permanently benched.

With hormone changes comes emotion. As my body sloshes the hormones around like a martini shaker, some things that used to be enjoyable suddenly become painful, both physically and emotionally.

Periods don’t just mean a week of inconvenience. If you don’t get one, it means chemo murdered your ovaries, which can translate to early menopause with its risk of lowered heart and bone function. Or, periods can come back, thus upping estrogen on the regular which can bring your estrogen-positive cancer cells back to life. Neither a good option.

As I stated before, I am not yet prepared to  talk about about these things as they have affected me personally, but know that they have and it causes feelings ranging from concern to sadness.

To unlock my stories on these topics and hear how it has changed my life, please call your friendly local literary agent or reputable publishing house and broker a contract. Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy me the courage to put these stories on paper knowing that my neighbors, aunts and uncles and in-laws will all know the ins and outs of my vagazzle.