Slowly but surely, progress is being made. I still have bad days where I have physical limitations such as exhaustion, headaches, hot flashes and lack of sleep. I am still bald as a bat (are bats really bald?), and dripping fluid from my eyes and nose (cute!), and I’m either still swollen or chubby (let’s go with swollen).

The great news is that I am able to bounce back from these restrictions much more gracefully than I was even 2 weeks ago. I am young and strong, both of body and will, and have found that my bad days are often followed by good days.

I still sleep terribly at night, which is the pits as I adore sleeping, but until these clunker temporary breasticles come out on October 26 and are replaced by gooey implants, I am relegated to ‘sleeping’ only on my back or quasi on my side. There is no upside to this, but I have found that as of late, I am not feeling the need to nap daily. The want- yes, duh. The need, no.

Take for example yesterday. I felt okay in the morning, but after lunch I felt rough. Granted, I had Mexican food that probably heavily contributed to the cyclone of digestional upheaval, but cancer was definitely still involved in the aftermath. I was bed-ridden for the entire second half of the day. I had zero energy, my entire body felt like an oven, and my insides were in a bad way.

Yesterday evening. Ice pack on head, flushed cheeks, sad and tired Grancer.

I woke up this morning and before I even opened my eyes I said a silent prayer that I wouldn’t still feel crappy. And lo and behold, I did feel better! A couple of weeks ago this one bad day would have set me back quite a bit. Now I seem to be back on a non-cancer person’s schedule as it pertains to recovery from acute illness.  This really is a thrilling development.

Yesterday I barely moved from 2pm on, and today, I took 2 kids to a pumpkin festival, Trader Joes, Costco and on a bike ride, pulling them in the trailer. That is a giant improvement. That kind of rebound would have been unimaginable even a few weeks ago.

Less than 24 hours after the above photo. A giraffe, a mermaid and a middle aged clown-woman walk into a bar…

So the moral of the story is that progress is possible and is happening.  It is very hard for me to reconcile the fact that I am almost done with all immediate treatment and will be a ‘graduate’ of acute cancer care.

I am technically considered cancer-free at this point. As amazing as this is, it is a wildly distant concept from the way I feel and appear. I couldn’t look more cancery between the baldness and general blobbiness, but I don’t have cancer anymore. How do I reconcile not having cancer, but looking like I do? If you have the answer, please let me know.

In the meantime, I am very pleased with the fact that I have been able to turn a craptastic weekend into a sunny, lovely, vital weekend.

My, how times have changed.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Carrie says:

    Amazingly awesome. Happy for you, Grace! One day at a time…you are getting there.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anonymous says:

    And you are going to start feeling better and better from here, and you have built amazing stamina to get through the rough patches. Keep looking forward and never look back.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Anonymous says:

    Thrilled..I like the purple on you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. lindseasnow says:

    You are amazing. Cheers to you getting your squishies soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Anonymous says:

    In terms of reconciling the fact that you’re cancer free w fact that you look “cancery,” treat it like those days/weeks/month just after birth when you’ve delivered but likely still look/feel pregnant and/or not yourself. Your body has been through a lot so be kind to yourself and loosen your expectations for the immediate term. You’ll rebound but it will take time, as it did with pregnancy.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. says:

    Wonderful Grace!

    Liked by 1 person

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