Here is what I am capable of doing this morning; watching a TV show called Dogs 101, and drinking tea. I slept well in my lounger and only got up to use the loo once and to take my pills. Waking up today, though, was no bueno. It’s like just when I think I am coming to terms with this new Grace, she finds me in a mirror and points her finger at me, laughing her ass off. Like, ‘look at that Grace, she sucks!’ She can’t get up from a chair, she needs help doing just about anything. She is building outfits around drain pockets!
Speaking of drains, they are a real fucking problem. Not only are they literally very physically restricting, but they are a constant reminder of my illness. I have to think about them before I make any move. Are they properly closed? Are they safety pinned to my shirt? Do they need to be emptied? Is something stuck in the tubing? One wrong snag and I’d be ripping a stitch and plastic tube out of my own body.
The Batman to my Robin, Jennie, slept in the same room with me and helped me make every movement I attempted. When we went into the bathroom to ‘milk and empty’ my drains, I suddenly felt very nauseous. It was like I was smacked in the face with the fact that I am now a spigot, a cyborg, someone who requires draining. I had to ask her to stop so I could sit on the cool bathroom floor. It was realization nausea.
Another experience worth noting is yesterday’s first shower. Jennie removed all of my bandages, so outside of the drains, I was completely unencumbered. I didn’t choose to look, even though Mirror Grace was taunting me. I used to have some level of modesty, but that is long gone. I need help getting stripped down naked and help getting into the tub. I kneel in the tub while my sister and mom wash my hair and soap my body. It was terrible, but precious at the same time.
Getting out of the tub and dressed was equally as stupid as the bathing experience. I was nude, cold, covered in scars, shaking and sad. I was carefully put back together like a mannequin and then back to business as usual in my recliner.
I miss my kids and dog (I said dog singular- just Dante), but I also feel like a different person right now than who they know as their mother. I want them to have a super fun weekend with Joe and my awesome in-laws who flew in to help. I have my team here. They need to exist in a separate space that doesn’t cross over at all with Draintown.
Mirror Grace is an asshole, but she also motivates me. I am not an invalid. I am strong and I want to prove to Mirror Grace that I will match up to her expectations soon. It won’t be today, might not even be this week, but it will happen and when it does I’ll have the hindsight to look back and say, ‘I conquered that bitch.’
I would also like to note that I am seeing all of your emails, texts, Facebook massages, etc. I probably could reply to all of them, but I’m just not and I know you all understand that. Typing anything on the iPhone, I would say, is equivalent to a T-Rex trying to knit.