I know what you are expecting from me today: #blessed.
I just can’t do it. I am feeling way more: #stressed.
Sure, there are a million things that I could tell you I am sincerely thankful for, but today, I feel a stronger sentiment than being thankful. I feel resentful.
Now please note–I wish I did not feel this way. In my heart, I know I should be waxing poetic on how lucky I am that I found my cancer when I did and that I am considered cancer-free and mostly that I am alive. But I just don’t feel those feelings today.
This is a safe space for me. I place my feelings here, on a blog that reaches thousands, but remember that I write this for me. It is my journal, my daily musings on how I am feeling right now.
And right now I am feeling a bit angry.
I am looking around the internet at happy people posing with roasted dead birds. Beautiful tablescapes. Families making merry.
Try as I might, I can’t muster this type or level of enthusiasm today.
On Thanksgiving we reflect on all of the wonderful things we have to be thankful for and, believe me, there are many. But instead of seeing all of the things I should be celebrating, my glass remains half empty.
Glass Half Full- I am cancer free
Glass Half Empty- I had cancer this year and now I am weak, chubby, glum and bitter at the universe
Glass Half Full- We live in America! Land of the free, home of the brave!
Glass Half Empty- Trump
Glass Half Full- We had a wonderful vacation with our family
Glass Half Empty- I am so exhausted from our vacay that I need a vacay from the vacay. And preferably without the kids. And also on a remote tropical island.
Again, I am not pleased with myself that I am having these thoughts today. I have tried all kinds of tricks to pluck myself out of my own despair spiral, but none have worked. I am allowing myself the space to ‘feel my feelings,’ as a therapist might say. I am feeling resentment that this year has sucked so hard and not forcing myself to strap on a smile and pretend that I am not currently in the eye of the indignation storm.
I just want it back. I want my health, my body, my strength, my freedom, my dignity, my hair, my self-confidence, my self-worth, my career. I want it back so badly you can’t imagine. Cranky ’bout it.
So yes, I am thankful that I beat cancer and that I am alive. I am thankful that my family and friends stopped their lives to help me. I am beyond grateful for those things, but just because it is a nationally mandated day of thanks doesn’t mean I have to genuinely feel that way right now.
Right now I am going to take my scowl and bad attitude and tuck it in for the night.
I hope each of you enjoyed your holiday in some shape or form, but if you didn’t, know you are not alone. We will all live to celebrate or scowl another day.