The day has come. My drain output has been under 30ml per drain for 48 hours straight. The drains can come out!!!!!

Before anything good happens to me, I obviously have to go to the dentist, just to even out my karma. Luckily, this morning’s 8am appointment was uneventful and was an excellent excuse to take a narcotic, have my mom drive me around, and take a nap.

Since I cannot lift anything over 10lbs, we have arranged to have a babysitter/Grace-sitter at all times. What this means is basically that I am a lady of leisure. Someone else is always assigned to take primary care of my kids and often there is a secondary person to take care of me.

After my grueling nap, my mom and I ventured off to my drain removal appointment. Now listen, I don’t want to skeeve you all out with the details of this procedure, but let’s just say having 6 inches of tubing pulled out of your now nerve-less chest cavity feels a bit odd. The most important part of the above sentence is nerve-less which translates to painless. Amen.

I was no longer a cyborg!!!! Truly the highlight of my post-mastectomy experience to date. Since I didn’t have to worry about what I would attach the drains to, I could wear normal clothes again (sort of- at a later date I will go into more detail of what is currently happening in the boobage area).

I decided to celebrate by going for a long walk. Some of you may recall that before diagnosis I was in pretty tip-top shape (I’ve gained 7lbs since surgery…damn you Sweet Mandy B’s). Even though I know I am only 2 weeks post-op and should take it easy, my body really wanted to exercise.

Here I am, triumphantly raising my hands above head level. This is major progress people.

Yes, I’m wearing a fanny pack.

Let me skip to the end of the story. I overdid it. Countless lunges in 80 degree weather is not what the doctor ordered. Ironically, what ultimately did me in wasn’t a squat, it was a sneeze. You heard me.

Next time you get your chest cut off, moved around and glued back on, try sneezing.

It is truly a come to Jesus experience. Did you know you use your entire chest wall to sneeze? Me neither. It didn’t go well. You know those weird fake-out sneezes that are not only socially awkward, but feel creepy? That X 100.

I have 4 days ahead of me with no drains before my next surgery when I will gain 1 drain back. I am going to try real hard not to think about what’s next. I’m going to try that, ‘live in the moment’ bullshit. I’m also going to try not to sneeze.

‘All I can say

Is that my life is pretty plain

You don’t like my point of view

You think that I’m insane

It’s not sane… it’s not sane.’ -Blind Melon